A reasonable suggestion there, but he needs to be acutely aware that blood or not, all his kids are his kids and he can't favor his blood related kid if they go that route. If her baby is switched without her knowing, then she could easily love that child as much as if the child was biological to her. 1. Impossible is a very strong word to use. We are managing our new normal and are pretty happy. But here's the thing: that initial hormonal attachment doesn't last. I am Chinese, and perhaps my views on familial exclusivity has only a cultural basis. I’ve never traveled out of the country. To clarify my view, I think there is a special bond, be it chemical or otherwise, that occurs as a result of the pregnancy and/or birthing process. You started off with not wanting to have kids at all to adopting your cousins kids. Its natural. By any objective measure, I'd say that they love their adopted kids greater than their bio-kids. Cournoyer said they have better training and have more experience with the normal development of sexual behaviors. Her biological father has largely been out of the picture but now is requesting more parenting time and having the child stay the night with him at the home he shares with his parents. She sounds lost in her own soap. A lot. Child care providers, on the other hand, are more knowledgeable. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 47.6% of … The birth process can help the mother to form a bond with her infant more easily and more quickly. What do I do? No, I don’t. Don't get me wrong, I love my step-daughter, but I love my daughter more. He’s allowed to feel that way, it’s valid. I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. And what I'm left feeling more than anything is guilt. I would never dream of telling the non-biological parent in a lesbian couple that her child was less hers than her partner’s. Maybe in therapy? But. “For my husband, this was true, but three years later, my feelings have not changed. I think part of the question I have is how you define love? To pass on a living legacy in the modern era you need to pass on ideas. IF you're describing love as an action, then I'd argue that it's quite possible for someone to intentionally treat their birth children and their adopted children in the same way. It is rarely as special as a biological bond, but it can be very strong. Now, if you mean something different, like "if a parent has both a biological and adopted parent, they would love the biological child more", there might be a slightly plausible argument that could be made. She's my blood you know. My biological mother has opted not to tell her kids of my existence, a decision I understand and don't question. A couple years ago we adopted two children, 16 months and 3 months. He can still teach his son to box and protect his daughter is a silly and overly masculine manner when her first boyfriend comes to the door. When I adopted him as an adult (he’s 26) he said it may be too late in his life for being adopted, he has a girlfriend and 2 daughters of his own. I love my kids more than existence itself, and I can't thing of a single thing in this universe that can evoke such an overwhelming sense of every possible emotion, other than them. Had there been a better option in the family - or friends or neighbors! And I didn’t ‘change my mind’. I missed out on my 20s because I was married and/or pregnant. He said he loves them all, but that "his" baby was his life. It took me by surprise and I was hurt for a while. We have been together for seven years. You went from,”we’ve talked our heads off for years.” To seemingly no discussion and wondering if you should end the marriage. I got married young. I think that your argument is based upon your gut feeling, or an incredulity that someone could feel this way when you can't imagine it. And it is this knowledge that activates a level of love that would be left unactivated if she *knew that her child did not come from her, but instead came from a stranger. “But not in the same way I love my biological daughter. It would require that the parents be quite self-aware, and self-critical, but I wouldn't imagine that if a person were committed to an adopted child that they could treat them with as much love as they treat their child. I love my toddler because he breaks into dance with his shadow when he's bored and because of his intense conversations with his legos. I love my son, but my husband has been, is, and will always be my #1. Are you saying that the love of a parent is not unconditional towards their children? More to the point, thanks to reliable birth control and changing mores, becoming a parent is now more of a choice than ever. People and wants and desires obviously change, as they did with you and him deciding to adopt. I used to worry what was wrong with me. Self-absorbed and inconsiderate of her husband. My husband and I always talked about having 2-3 kids. I could love my adopted I love my biological kids more than my stepkids. My husband and I wanted kids. I didn’t finish my bachelor’s degree until I was over 30. A scale could be produced via a psychological experiment, though such an experiment would be unethical and would never be conducted, since here's the experiment I had in mind: if the mother has two biological and two adopted children, she is forced to save only two children from extreme pain, which two children would she save? But I could see adopting one day. However, this doesn't guarantee that the biological parents will love the child any more than some stranger off the sidewalk. With each child, adopted or otherwise, parents will feel different amounts of feelings, and will have different reactions. Anyway that's off point, just thought I'd ask. Do you mean a certain range of feelings of pride, joy, happiness, friendship, and security towards an individual? You can't put the adopted parents and the biological parents on a scale and measure their levels of love output towards the child. As to why I didn't care much, I honestly don't know. Or do you mean love as a verb, as in the actions that one takes towards an individual? But I don’t want more. I didn't know he wasn't my biological father growing up, but I did know there was not a father/daughter relationship. People can still be happy with their lives yet want something more. I love my daughter because of her passion and because of the way she cares about other people. Children and their mothers usually form a bond through oxytocin, a chemical released during and after childbirth which stimulates feelings of bonding. The real "love" is based on a relationship. Press J to jump to the feed. “My stepdad, who I simply call ‘Dad’, filled the role of father the way my biological dad, who was an alcoholic, never did. You love your partner right? Love is not all or nothing. "My adopted parents just told me one day after school. Luckily both babies or of the same race, so it isn't too obvious. My wife has a child from a previous relationship that I have raised though I am not the biological father, and the child’s grandparents are now threatening to modify custody. As a way of judgement, I wouldn't be the one to do it, only the adoptive mother could say what she felt about her biological kids and adopted kids. A place to post an opinion you accept may be flawed, in an effort to understand other perspectives on the issue. If anything, I love and respect them more for taking in a child who wasn't biologically theirs and giving me the opportunities I never would have had otherwise. “I just enjoy it. So how do you explain estranged parents, abusive parents, and downright narcissistic, unloving parents? Things have been stressful, but not as bad as I had always imagined. At some point in the conversation people will sigh and say, “We thought about adoption. “You just need to have more patience.” “You can have vacations when they are older.” I had children young. I love him more than my children. My adopted child is a great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet. In your example it seems the love for a child is very conditional, based on how they behave. I cannot have children and have never wanted them. This would put the adoptive children lower on the love scale than their biological siblings, and quantify that parent's love for his/her children. If children are very young and the step parent begins to parent the child and love it then a special bond will be formed. My mom wanted to spend more time with her, whereas I always got on her nerves and she would say things like, “When you’re here, Kathy, it’s like there are 10 extra people around.” Umm….yeah. Why do I seem to be the only mother who hasn't transferred all the burning passion I felt for my husband to my children? As a sidenote, my close friend was adopted and I know people who have had children both biologically and through adoption. But I have one hard to argue question to ask: In the case of every single adoption that has ever occurred for voluntary reasons on the part of the biological and adoptive parents, isn't that evidence that the biological parent didn't want to raise the child and that the adoptive parent did? I can’t help but feel as though he’s saying, “If you wont be an incubator for me, I can’t love you as much. No bonding activities. doesn't he understand you literally can't have kids so that's an impossible pressure to try to put on you. My mom wanted to spend more time with her, whereas I always got on her nerves and she would say things like, “When you’re here, Kathy, it’s like there are 10 extra people around.” Umm….yeah. I am not an adopted child, nor an adoptive parent, nor do I know anybody who is either. This is going to "sound awful," but I view them as pets/dolls of sorts. You posted this on reddit when in reality you need to have this exact talk with him. I appreciated how he immediately told me of his decision and allowed me the time I needed to make the right decision for me without any pressure. and even though some of the things you cover in your qualifications can If I have an adopted child and a biological child, maybe my biological child is a huge pain, gets in trouble, doesn't listen to me, etc. Do you have any idea how different my blood is from that of my cousin’s children? Interesting...reminds me of this This American Life episode: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/360/switched-at-birth. Still, no excuse for suddenly viewing your SO as such. I recently went to an event about Chinese orphanages and the Chinese adoption system. I never thought of them as not being my parents, because they raised me I remind Sara that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, even when she thinks otherwise. After a year into the relationship, my husband changed his mind. I don't think the existence of adoption rules out the possibility of loving an adopted child less than your biological child. I don't love my kids because of those first few days of snuggling. I love my daughter and have referred to her as my magnum opus, but I'm regretting motherhood. . P arents’ love for their children can make them do peculiar things. That's a little jump start for the real thing. No conversations. While I am glad that these girls now have wanting and loving families, I can't help but feel (strongly) that their adoptive families will never love them as much as their biological child(ren), because I think it is human nature/biology to feel an un-replicable bond with your biological child. No resentment or regrets. I still do. I love them now because of who they are now. Detach from Toxic Parents. I just think that, if she where being honest with herself, the mother would agree that she loves her biological kids more than her adoptive kids. If you two find that you can’t find a compromise, it would be unfair for both you. It’s less about “bloodlines” and more about having a little piece of yourself and the person you love. She still comes over with my biological son. (1980) found that families raising both biological and adopted children apportioned their land so as to favor biological children. Let's say two babies are switched at birth in the hospital by accident. I was raised by my biological mother and adoptive father. To fit my belief into this, I would expect that a significant number of parents would choose to save their biological children over their adoptive children. I Then this would dismantle the idea that biology as anything to do with the special bond I believe exists between a mother and who she thinks is her biological child. Six year anniversary next month and I am so happy I stayed with him. Because this bond is created during those processes, it would be impossible to replicate it with an adopted child. What if a parent with a biological child and an adopted child claimed to you that they loved them equally? I want kids who think like me. It’s unfortunate, but this likely will lead to divorce. I mean, if there is no difference between the potential love felt for a biological and adopted child, why do most people try to have their own children first, and see adoption as a last resort? The feelings are valid, the actions the husband is taking are not. Only that people have a biological impulse to recreate, pass on their genes, and this primitive drive is layered with the conscious desire to create from themselves, or to create a being that embodies the union of themselves and the person they love. I think the idea of passing on your genes is outdated. protect his daughter is a silly and overly masculine manner when her first boyfriend comes to the door. It may pass, it may not, it could definitely lead to resentment if it’s just swept under the rug. Those parents love their children equally, and it seems arrogant to assert that all these parents are liars. I know it’s probably hard for you to understand, but just like you never wanted biological children, he does want biological children. I am wildly and unabashedly on their team — as long as their team isn’t currently facing up against Gabe. Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. They were my cousin’s children. As far as step-grandchildren, as much as I try not to show that there is a difference, I have to be honest and say it is different." You're wrong simply by virtue of the fact that it is objectively not impossible. I don't have any empirical information on parents and adopted kids, but I'm sure that there's a similar connection, especially once they've been in the family for a while. I love my husband and family more than I wanted that possible third child. OP trying to make him out to be a monster. You have communicated really well before now, it doesn’t seem like you’ve discussed you’re concerns regarding his new feelings at all though. She may actually feel a stronger "love" for the child she gave birth to. I love these little monsters more than I ever thought possible. Nothing. I think love is quantifiable in the sense that relative love can be ordered on a scale of "most loved" and "least loved." I still wanted a third. There was a large number of adopted Chinese girls in attendance. I think it’s unfair of you to act all blindsided and uncompromising to his sparked desire to now wanting bio kids after getting to experience fatherhood for the first time. For every proponent of the idea that adopted-kids-aren't-quite-the-same, you may easily find their counterpart, the I-never-bonded-with-my-biological-child writer who bravely tells the truth that they never really connected with their kids, or even regret having them, period. We had conversations about why he changed his mind and I had to decide what is more important for me: kids or a good, healthy relationship. You can prove that biological parents should be more attached to their child if we're to believe the science behind oxytocin and the other chemicals/hormones released during childbirth that make the parents attached to the baby, but you can't prove that the bond will last beyond the hormonal outburst, nor can you prove that the oxytocin will have the same effect on everyone across the board. Anecdotally, I am friends with a family, and their kids basically moved out of the house at 20 and 18 respectively, and by that point were completely estranged. Definitley is a huge trigger for her. Then again, in the The American Life episode I linked, one of the mothers instinctively *knew that the baby was not hers, while the other mother did not suspect anything. It'd be brutal if it were true. I gave birth to her. How would you show that your claim is wrong? More posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice. No, I do not "love" my children... but they certainly believe that I do. No one child is the same (neither their backgrounds, etc.) Why can’t he teach these children his values, the values I fell in love with? No OB-GYN visits other than my annual exam. Given this it makes for the possibility that an adoptive parent could love their adopted baby enough to not abandon it, and the possibility that the biological mother did not love the baby enough to keep the boy/girl, thereby creating adoption as a cultural phenomenon. I don't want to procreate. She has zero interest in meeting her biological father. I don't know what prompted them to tell me but they did. I don't want kids that look like me. The want for biological children is natural, and it seems he was probably neutral about it up until reality set in and he realized he really wanted kids of his own. Beyond choosing a suitable father and plucking out my IUD, I didn’t do much. They are mine to train, teach, and mold. Do I beg him to stay and try to meet the feminine ideal so he is as little resentful as possible? I don't have any kids but have no interest in biological children. Being infertile must really take an emotional toll on her, and she hides behind whatever this projection is. I suspect that you couldn't disprove her claim - in fact, I believe that you couldn't even come up with a sufficient piece of evidence. But someday I will be at her funeral, to pay my respects. I just consider her my daughter, and I love her just the same—the love hasn’t changed at all. Why does family always have to be blood? Briggs and her husband Paul began adopting children almost 30 years ago, and they’re not done expanding their family yet. Do I tell him to leave and become the single mother I never wanted to be? If the problem is you not wanting biological children then you can look into a surrogate, and he can have his blood child. I could love my adopted child more than my biological child. "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. Do you believe that these babies are loved any less than if the mistake didn't occur? As others have said, please talk to him yourself and figure out how high of a priority it is. I It not awful. This would seem to completely rule out your view that it's impossible, simply on the face of it. "My biological grandchildren don’t necessarily have an equal place in my heart; I love them all dearly and could never choose if forced, yet their place in my heart is different, just as they are different. That’s fine, but please understand he isn’t a monster for wanting his own kids. I think it's similar with adopted kids(especially if they were adopted as babies). I love to learn new things – working with children was, and still is a HUGE learning experience. In the late ‘80s, the founder of a support group for adopted children who had recently reconnected with their biological relatives coined the term “Genetic Sexual Attraction” (GSA) to describe the intense romantic and sexual feelings that she observed occurring in many of these reunions. If my cousin had not died or her boyfriend not left and given up custody, I wouldn’t have adopted. If another child is completely off the table for you, then you too need to have a serious talk about it. Would you disbelieve her (or him)? I just consider her my daughter, and I love her just the same—the love hasn’t changed at all. It is entirely possible to love an adopted child as your own and proving the opposite would be impossible. Cookies help us deliver our Services. (Say the children weren't present and you wouldn't have the chance to ever communicate them.) While at a BBQ with him, he was talking about his 2 step kids (wifes kids), and then the baby. Well, for starters "love" isn't exactly quantifiable. My younger sister was more I think that biology does play a role, but human beings are also adaptive creatures and complex ones. Press J to jump to the feed. We as humans have overcome many if not most biological problems that would make it necessary to try to pass on "good" genes. We can defy biology. My heart expands even more, filling my chest with such spaciousness. We have that bond that I lack with my other little girl. Some parents and children don't get along well at all, despite being incredibly similar, and some parents and children get along very well despite being dissimilar. what do you mean he wants you to be the "incubator"? I never wanted children for a litany of reasons: overpopulation, freedom, stress, tokophobia, etc. My adopted child is a great kid, smart, follows the rules, really sweet. I cheer them on at sporting events and off the field. Read this article to learn why your fears about loving an adopted child will all seem laughable This life we have built together isn’t enough and these children aren’t good enough to be my family.”. This bond translates into a kind of love, and because the adopted child does not receive this kind of love from their parent, they are loved less. I will say that you come across as very resentful and unsympathetic towards your husband and his feelings. Kim Mays, biological family involved in switched-at-birth scandal, custody battle describe navigating troubled times Regina Twigg gave birth to her … I don’t think he loves his adopted children any less or that he thinks they’re not good enough - it’s two completely different things that you just can’t empathize with because you don’t feel the same way. (Not to mention those who abandon their children, or worse.) Before you make any decisions, you need a serious sit down conversation with your spouse. When my daughter was three, we started trying for another baby.I was desperate for a second child as I love being a mother and I wanted a sibling for Hailey. I'm conflicted now...I'm leaning more towards the *knowing that the baby is yours being the activation agent in the special bond that exists between a mother and who she *believes is her baby. Neither side is right or wrong. Need help with your relationship? I suggest talking with your significant other about this. "But not in the same way I love my biological daughter. I think, though, that if the parent were sincerely and emotionally making this claim to you, that you would believe them. It’s in these moments that I see him. But my husband has been talking about having an urge to have biological children. In that case, each family has a baby that they believe is theirs, but not biologically. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! But then, I had a child After many months of going back and forth, I realized that my significant other was everything I had ever wanted in a partner except the offspring part. And upon seeing him, I know my love for him is pure, genuine, unwavering, and as deep as any mother’s love is for her This is my career. My family is similar in that I am the biological child and my younger sister is adopted. I love them because of who they are now. I love them very much and they have always been there for me. Case, Lin, and McLanahan (2000) found that American families with biological chil-dren spent 5% more We will still celebrate holidays with family and stress about their SAT scores for college.

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